A 20- something femme studying at a liberal arts college and navigating friendships, relationships, allyship, feminism, queerness, anxiety and survival. I like flowers and cute animals, especially pigs. White/ cis/ able-bodied. She, her.
If you need anything specific tagged, I will do it no questions asked. Just PM me.
my 18yo diary, shortly after I started learning about feminism at Scripps and decided to start loving myself
It’s weird reading your own diary description of rape… How many times I said no and he just kept on pushing (through words & once by literally pushing my head down). Weirder still because I didn’t recognize it as rape at the time and I catalogued all my sexual responses to it along with my feelings of guilt/ shame/ not wanting it.
I had forgotten what he said afterword. :/
Cousin: “I shouldn’t have let you go that far. I’m sorry if you regret it in the morning.”
I’ve been thinking more about my cousin lately. I haven’t really ever written this in a public place or shared it with anyone, because I always thought people might blame me for what happened, but I contacted my cousin after The Assault (aka the only one that adults found out about) to see why he did it. After I initiated contact with him, we somehow got to the point where we were talking regularly again- he was one of the few people I was out to, one of the few people I could express my doubts about my faith to coming from a fairly strictly religious home- I texted him more than any of my friends at the time. [He took advantage of this closeness to continue manipulating and assaulting me.]
I never share how close he and I became. I can’t believe how long I’ve felt too ashamed to share or felt it was my fault because I contacted him.
It’s weird reading my old diary’s accounts of my relationship with my abusive cousin. I just read the one from the day after I was raped.
"My mind is on [yesterday’s date]. I had a good cry & I’ll add more here later. For now, I have [school]work to do."
my 16yo diary (this is why representation matters)